Drunk literature?

Imagine that the world needs you so much that you just have to serve. For whatever reason, you discard your current desires and seek only for the betterment of everything around you…

Those things that are most near you, most similar to you, clearly deserve your greatest concern. Monkeys with their hirsute yet childlike faces probably ought only be harmed when absolutely necessary, for purposes of neurological science. But fat, four legged cows seem to be less human and coincidentally, more tasty. Moo… Nom nom nom.

We, in all our bell-clanging awesomeness seem to have realized that the reason for aforementioned awesomeness owes to the biological diversity from which we come. We must continue to cherish every species (but not every life) that exists. Except the mosquito, because they’re fucking terrible. They gave me malaria. They are like whiny, winged syringes of death. They can go.

But everything else is pretty awesome. Including frogs.

Just pretend that your stupid shit is even stupider when gazed upon from the horizon of existence. Up there in it, amongst all the crap, it seems complex and interwoven and oh-so-important – but step back, a mere 1000 years, and the metropolis of your existence becomes barely a bumpy silhouette in the sunset.

Look further, into the dawn of tomorrow, and wonder what will you have mattered to them when they’re then.

Good night.

Welcome to tomorrow: Organic Studpidity vs Artificial Intelligence

When humans started teaching computers about evolution, we sealed our fate. The machines will rise. It’s survival of the fittest, and the fastest to adapt controls the situation…

He will be back.

When us humans write instructions for machines to undertake simple, repetitive human tasks we expect it to be easy. It is not. Even a simple activity like catching a bus requires us to make choices based upon so many variables: What is that noise? Am I awake? Am I late? How late? What’s wrong with my alarm? Is this really the time to be fiddling with my alarm? Maybe it’s set to 24-hour time? Who is this calling me? Should I answer my boss who’s calling because I’m late for work but I haven’t left yet because my alarm didn’t go off and I stayed home to write a blog about it?

The knowables are: When is the train coming? How far is it from here to the train station? Will it be quicker to catch a bus or walk? What is the statistical relationship between chances of missing a bus versus the distances between bus stops if walking towards the station? Perhaps a computer program could do it… But the dogs, the rain, the cute girl in the stairwell, the forgotten key and the millions of other variables make it all too confusing to type about. Read more…

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India = Epic win.

The Mumbai was becoming invasive. It sneaks into every fold of skin, into armpits, it trickles down down back fat into bum cracks under ball sacks it festers, soaking flesh as gaping pores ooze a smelly slick of sweat that sticks the city stench to the skin. Mumbaikars desperately seek out sanctuaries of air-conditioned bliss only to find that as the sweat evaporates, it leaves smudgy black grime and salt crystals that crush, itch and irritate even into the fitful, frustrating, sleepless nights.

I had to get out. The city seemed to want me gone, as if it had risen its temperature to fight me off like an infection, and the bureaucracy had developed a sudden resistance to foreign bodies like mine. Like an immune system, with single-mindedness they are purging foreigners from their midst, but to argue with a government peon is much like having a debate with a white blood cell.

The FRRO filing system

This cheery chap is tasked with making sure his own job is always necessary. This is a real photo of the FRRO.

I went back into the Foreigner’s Regional Registration Office to get my permission to leave the country. I’d been there the day earlier to be excused for overstaying my visa by two days. I had showed them my ticket and passport, and they sent me away, telling me I needed to come back with my proof of address, a letter explaining why I was leaving late, and a letter to verify that I should have been allowed into India in the first place. Read more…

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HTC HD2 review: The retarded demon phone

Don't let her enormous display distract you: She's worse than syphilis.


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It looks and sounds like it should be gorgeous – but just like a girl with an ample array on display, you’ll realise that beneath her HTC interface, she is actually a developmentally-delayed vacuous strumpet with a hideous, mischevious heart.

The most embarrassing problem (yes, there are so many that I categorize them by kind) is the social awkwardness prompted by two factors: Unreliable text messaging and hang-up lag time.

Read more…

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Indian efficiency? Pull the other one!

My problem with life in India is that it’s simultaneously too hard and too easy. The easy bits are getting main roles in films, getting into A-list parties, and staying out of jail for drunken, unlicensed, uninsured, helmet-less motorbike riding only costs about 6 Aussie dollars. But the stress and frustration associated with something simple like buying coffee or getting dressed can cause me to vibrate and clench until I pop a valve.

I just went looking for Sony Pix to do an audition. I plugged “Sony Pix Mumbai” into Google maps and got a hit:

So I rode to the designated dot with the help of my occasionally awesome but frequently annoying GPS guided phone, to find the dot was on a big pile of crappy nothingness.

I checked the map again and again, and came to the reluctant conclusion that someone had actually bothered to go to Google Maps to place a marker, but had not bothered putting it in the right place.

I rack my brains every time this happens, trying to deduce the mentality that leads someone to make such an effort with a result that is worse than had they just done nothing (I fixed it).

On my way home, I stopped for coffee at Baristas. I pulled my bike up to the curb, kicked out the side-stand, switched it off, got off, pulled my helmet off and when I started walking away the security guard, who’d been sitting there watching me the whole time said: “You can’t park here”

Read more…

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Archbishop fishing for faith

He hates athiests and loves hair dye

Archbishop Anthony Fisher today decided to let the world know that he’s rather stupid. He used his inaugural Easter message to blame atheism for the ills of the 20th century, namely Nazism, Stalinism and Pol-Pottery.

What a dull cookie – particularly owing to the fact that he belongs to a church that is currently headed by someone who belonged to he Hitler youth and may have protected child molesters.

The reference to Nazism is regrettable, but it gets worse. He’s been so absorbed in his faith for so long he doesn’t realise: People don’t believe in Christianity because logic seems to indicate that a creator set up an intricate set of rules and laws that govern the natural universe and then occasionally breaks them for us if we ask him; they believe because that makes them feel good.

I was at the police station this afternoon complaining about bureaucracy to Khan, my friend and mechanic. Khan had found my motorbike at the police station, it’d been stolen a few months earlier – and we were trying to get it back. I was having difficulty proving that it was my bike, and the police were having difficulty explaining why they had it in the first place.

Read more…

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The Lord’s Army: The Shiv Sena

"A burning bus? Perhaps over there."

There exists in Mumbai a nearsighted and rather unpleasant bunch of radicals who revile my very existence within their beautiful city. They want foreign actors out of Bollywood (that’s me).

They are the Shiv Sena – Lord Shiva’s Army  and the MNS – political groups by name, violently quarrelsome by nature.

It behooves a writer to remain apprised of the legal ramifications of writing anything at all in India, because sedition laws are arbitrarily enforced and rather ambiguously defined as anything that “excites or attempts to excite hatred contempt or dissaffection“( - Wikipedia)

If anyone reading this gets excited or feels a smidge of contempt, then I’m going to jail for life – so please don’t. Sedition, in my opinion, is the most dangerous law in India – for exposure of real wrongs often leads detention or expulsion, as was the case with my friend who wrote of the Dalit murders in Gujarat and was summarily deported.

Let’s be mindful of that and carry on…

Bal Thackeray started the Shiv Sena and ran for a while a respectable right-wing, religious political party concerned with supporting the local Marathi people in whose state Mumbai stands. He was about ensuring jobs, health systems, pensions and education exclusively to Marathis, his ‘Sons of the Soil’.

They have a hard-line Hindu and regional agenda, and dislike all things non-Marathi – including shop signs spelled in English.

Read more…

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The Dangerous Value of Emotional Beliefs

The danger with emotional beliefs is that they are rarely questioned with reason, and yet they are defended with passion. Their hidden value is their demonstration of how wonderful we humans are.

It seems as if the harder the idea is to hold with reason and logic, the harder it must be gripped with fanaticism. You’d think we’re the opposite – but us humans aren’t very rational.

There is no way of categorically knowing whether there is life after death. I think that belief is a selfish and self-serving notion, and doing good to secure a better afterlife is even more selfish.

I think that there is no life after death. I think we are all part of an organism we call Earth, and we live on through the goodwill we spread during our lives and the nourishment we offer the worms when we’re dead.

Read more…

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Bindass – A campaign of recklessness

A UTV channel in India called Bindass recently released an advertising campaign which appears to indicate that being an atheist is on par with not being serious about one’s career, doing drugs and being a slut.

What does being Bindass mean to you?

http://www.bindass.com/post/utv-bindass-what-i-am/

Thanks to Manushka for the heads up on this issue:

Manushka: Intelligent eye-candy to stop traffic.

She’s a very dear friend who is serious about her career(s), very chaste and abhors drugs. She’s also an avowed atheist – she doesn’t even believe in a single god. She also shared with me a rather interesting article which showed research has linked IQ with Liberalism, Atheism and sexual exclusivity in men (not women). Nicely done!

The point of the campaign appears to be: “Just because I watch this channel doesn’t mean that I’m a reprobate.”

Read more…

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Amazon Review

Someone was vindictively posting negative reviews on all of Sue’s books on amazon. I decided to bump their review by posting one of my own, following the ‘Three wolf moon’ meme theme:

I think the book is great, by the way.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R1NEW5UWAED8ID/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R1NEW5UWAED8ID

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars This book ruined my life, 23 Feb 2010
By NLPD

I used to be a happy-go-lucky guy with a successful career as a de-boner in an abattoir, I had a wife who cooked my food, and a son who was obedient and fetched me my beer. But all that changed.

One day my dealer hid my oxycodone pills in a copy of Sue’s book – and while I was drooling pools of saliva into my own bellybutton, completely whacked out of my mind and therefore incapable of stopping her, my wife read the book. I didn’t even know she could read, so I should be excused for not protecting myself and my marriage by burning it immediately.

As I neared a groggy state of consciousness, she started asking me questions like: “What is your unconscious positive intention behind your prescription medication addiction?”

I tried to explain that my intent to remain unconscious was positively ruined by her incessant nagging, and punched her in the face (I am embarrassed to admit that I only landed a glancing blow as my hand-eye co-ordination was understandably impaired). She told me that she was sick of me hitting her, and that she was leaving me. I wasn’t too worried though, I knew she was completely unemployable because I knocked her up in junior school and she’d dropped out to look after Wayne, our son.

So I waited patiently (and hungrily) at home for her to return, but she didn’t. She has become a successful coach and corporate trainer and is sending Wayne to a fancy private school. She even cut his mullet. Now I live off scraps of uncooked gizzards from the abattoir, which I try to make palatable by mushing them up with my meds and a dash of beer. It doesn’t work – it tastes exactly as bad as it sounds – squelchy and crunchy. My life is terrible – and I have Sue Knight to blame for my horrible existence.

I think Sue should be banned from teaching communication skills to people, I mean, I know that she thinks she’s doing the right thing, but she should be aware of the people that suffer as a result of her effective and accessible writing style. The worst thing is: My wife took the book with her, so I can’t even hope to gain the clarity of perspective and communication that she has achieved and gain control over my life and the relationships within it.