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Dear Sis,

Discuss your problems and then solve them.

Pssst: I have manly hands

I see a lot of people (female people) that confuse discussing an issue with solving it.

Don’t get your feminist knickers in a twist, men have their problems too – and not discussing issues is one of them. Anyway…

It’s an old Freudian belief that if someone fully understands their condition, they will be cured of it. For all his phallic-obsessed weirdness, Freud was wrong.

‘Female co-rumination’ is linked with depression because if all you do is discuss problems, discussion becomes the problem. That’s what makes psychologists rich (and a little bit disturbed). You need time to talk about happy stuff.

You need to solve it.

You can chat endlessly with your friends about why that bitch at work is so horrible to you, have a giggle and feel vindicated cos she’s threatened by your youth and awesome body; that you’re going somewhere and she’s a cranky old biddy, maybe she has warts; perhaps she has a terrible sex life, her husband hasn’t tried to put one through her in months and the pent up sexual frustration is causing her to lash out at the world…

Blab away, you might be right, but what have you achieved?

You’ve just taken one step, over and over: Creating a hypothesis. Take another step: Formulate a plan. Then: Put the plan into action.

Just do something!

If you want someone else to change their behaviour, you must alter your own. And if you presuppose she’s going to be a bitch then she will be. Try presupposing that she’s lovely and clever and misunderstood.

I failed to find a relevant picture to insert here

Work hard at making her feel valued. Notice when she does something well and go out of your way to compliment her ability. Ask her for advice. Stick with it for a week, keeping yourself completely aligned with your goal of making her feel valued.

It’s a disarming combination and it works every time.

She’s bound to react with suspicion at first – but once it’s obvious that you’re being authentic (Because you are being authentic, and you really do want to be friends with her, don’t you? If not then you’re the bitch) she’ll involuntarily start to like you.

There are always solutions to interpersonal problems, you just must retain an abiding faith that you can solve them if you try. You must try.

Observe, hypothesize, plan, act. Rinse and repeat. When you’re done, start discussing the good things in life, sing in your lingerie or have a pillow fight or do whatever it is women do when they aren’t complaining.

If you’re not intent on solving the problem then for my sake, shut up about it! If it’s a problem and it’s making you cranky, don’t drag other people into that – let them drag you out.

Oh – and if it’s about a boy: Get rid of him. Us men get far to much mileage out of making you miserable, tugging on your daddy issues and playing with your approval-seeking patterns. If he made you feel worthless then move on.

Love,

Harry