My problem with life in India is that it’s simultaneously too hard and too easy. The easy bits are getting main roles in films, getting into A-list parties, and staying out of jail for drunken, unlicensed, uninsured, helmet-less motorbike riding only costs about 6 Aussie dollars. But the stress and frustration associated with something simple like buying coffee or getting dressed can cause me to vibrate and clench until I pop a valve.

I just went looking for Sony Pix to do an audition. I plugged “Sony Pix Mumbai” into Google maps and got a hit:

So I rode to the designated dot with the help of my occasionally awesome but frequently annoying GPS guided phone, to find the dot was on a big pile of crappy nothingness.

I checked the map again and again, and came to the reluctant conclusion that someone had actually bothered to go to Google Maps to place a marker, but had not bothered putting it in the right place.

I rack my brains every time this happens, trying to deduce the mentality that leads someone to make such an effort with a result that is worse than had they just done nothing (I fixed it).

On my way home, I stopped for coffee at Baristas. I pulled my bike up to the curb, kicked out the side-stand, switched it off, got off, pulled my helmet off and when I started walking away the security guard, who’d been sitting there watching me the whole time said: “You can’t park here”

Surely my intent to park the was apparent from the moment I pulled up, or perhaps more obvious when I kicked out the stand and leaned the bike over, but definitely when I turned off the engine, and I absolutely don’t plan on re-parking it anywhere after I’ve stood up and got off – but no. He waited until I’ve removed my helmet and started to walk off before he said something. Exactly the same thing happened only yesterday – it happens so often. I try to laugh it off but often fail and sound like a manic pirate: “Haha-har-harrr-arrgh!”

Pull this handle.

I think one explanation for the general theme of this directionless drive to do could be the notion of ‘dharma’ – which is your life’s purpose, doing what you’re meant to do. Dharma doesn’t care how efficiently you do something, it relates more to being in a continual state of doing whatever it is you were born to do, as well as you were destined to, until you die. Getting stuff done early doesn’t mean there’s any less stuff to do. If you did do it, then you’ll reincarnate into an even cooler caste with yet another dharma. There’s no escaping it, life after life, and aspiring to escape your destiny within this life is almost disrespectful.

Sure, people break free from the restraints of caste and rise to dizzying heights like the Ambanis, but it is much more common to go down the caste system than up. Climbing takes hard will, courage and lots of luck. Falling is as easy as having cow blood thrown on you, marrying wrong, getting raped or even divorced. In short, acting out of turn is more likely to send you down the ladder than up. In India, innovation is infrequently encouraged.

Pull the other one!

So I went in to buy my coffee and noticed that the glass door has a “Pull” sticker on the outside of the door, and another “Pull” sticker inside – but it’s a swinging door and can go either way, and anyway, neither side has a handle, so in effect neither can be pulled, nor need they be.

Maybe he could have put a push sticker on both sides, it’d easier to do with a coffee in your hand, but why did he bother at all?

Because that was his job. The fact that this swinging door doesn’t need stickers doesn’t change the fact that his purpose in life includes adding stickers to doors.

I was shooting a TV commercial recently, and the costume guys always love to help me get dressed. I assure them that putting on clothes is something I can and do do frequently without them,  but they are determined to help; even if that help consists of them holding my fingers and causing me to fumble as I thread my belt through the loops in my pants, all the while saying:

“It’s fine. No really, I’ve got this. Please, let go. You aren’t helping. You’re actually making it harder”.

But the costume wallah has a purpose. Part of what makes dharma a righteous path is the fact that sometimes it’s a challenge. Many obstacles will pop up to deter you from your purpose, but if you’re born into a job (as castes often are – and named so – Mr. Sodabottleopenerwalla) then you’d bloody well better do it, regardless of how pointlessly irritating it might be.

It must be noted that the excessive amounts of wasted effort do seem to keep everyone rather busy, doing and undone-ing things that took a lot of doing and didn’t need getting done in the first place. It’s a wonderful system that seems to support an unimaginable number of people.

Many Kakapo birds only gets laid once, AND THAT'S WHEN THEY'RE AN EGG! - Zing.

It’s ecological. If one billion people suddenly became efficient, if they only did things that needed doing, and did them right the first time, then I recon an overwhelming number of lovely Indian people would quickly find themselves unemployed and starving to death.

The Socialist Party of India recognized this, and rather brilliantly suggested that India ban English in schools, computers in offices and all farm machinery, which would send it back into the dark ages.

Inefficiency and absurdity might be an evolutionary result of overpopulation, much like how New Zealand’s Kakapo bird, which has evolved in an environment devoid of predators, has dealt with overpopulation by becoming fat, flightless, and amazingly inefficient at mating. Those factors are now sending it close to extinction, a fate unlikely to face Indians anytime soon.

*I must note that my observations are the subject of personal opinion, and in this are predominantly about traditional Indian culture – and are not at all about Indians in any kind of intrinsic, genetic sense. I am also not making a negative value judgment about it. Yes, it annoys me, but that doesn’t make it bad, it just means that I don’t get it. I hope you’re only mildly offended.

Technorati Tags: Bollywood, hinduism, India, People, politics, rationality, religion

"A burning bus? Perhaps over there."

There exists in Mumbai a nearsighted and rather unpleasant bunch of radicals who revile my very existence within their beautiful city. They want foreign actors out of Bollywood (that’s me).

They are the Shiv Sena – Lord Shiva’s Army  and the MNS – political groups by name, violently quarrelsome by nature.

It behooves a writer to remain apprised of the legal ramifications of writing anything at all in India, because sedition laws are arbitrarily enforced and rather ambiguously defined as anything that “excites or attempts to excite hatred contempt or dissaffection“( - Wikipedia)

If anyone reading this gets excited or feels a smidge of contempt, then I’m going to jail for life – so please don’t. Sedition, in my opinion, is the most dangerous law in India – for exposure of real wrongs often leads detention or expulsion, as was the case with my friend who wrote of the Dalit murders in Gujarat and was summarily deported.

Let’s be mindful of that and carry on…

Bal Thackeray started the Shiv Sena and ran for a while a respectable right-wing, religious political party concerned with supporting the local Marathi people in whose state Mumbai stands. He was about ensuring jobs, health systems, pensions and education exclusively to Marathis, his ‘Sons of the Soil’.

They have a hard-line Hindu and regional agenda, and dislike all things non-Marathi – including shop signs spelled in English.

The Shiv Sena love whacking day

Bal’s son Uddhav Thackeray took over the Shiv Sena which used to riot against migrant workers from other states, bash North Indian rickshaw drivers and the like, pelt stones at police headquarters, voice support for accused Hindu terrorists, they’ve smashed shops and torn down billboards and generally caused a ruckus in order to get in the media, at which point they invariably react against the channel for the negative coverage. It’s a wonderful self-perpetuating cycle.

The Shiv Sena started going mainstream to gain support from a larger nationwide Hindu party, the BJP – which meant they had to stop bashing migrants (but not necessarily Muslisms). As a result, Bal’s nephew Raj Thackeray started a splinter organisation seeking more radical reforms – they are called the ‘Marathi Manoos’ – the MNS.

So now there are two crews both seeking votes from the same people, they attract attention to themselves by engaging in more and more brazen public displays of brute power – often leading to in-fighting between the two groups.

The BJP: Perhaps education should be higher on their agenda

Then the BJP lost a national election, probably because they were corrupt and their policies were near-sighted and focused more on oppressing Muslims than running the country…

So the BJP and the Shiv Sena rioted against Australians for being such prejudiced and bigoted violent morons. They were helped along by the Indian media, which much prefers to be spoon-fed its sensationalist propaganda rather than doing real reporting (probably for fear of sedition laws).

Funny thing that only a few months before, the same group were beating North Indians for migrating to Mumbai, and now they’re upset because North Indians are being beaten in Australia. The group that revile outsiders and assault newcomers are also angry when degenerate, disorganised, drunk youths in Australia do exactly the same thing. Are they scared their jobs have been outsourced?

Now they’re back to being racist: The Manoos want all us foreign actors out of Bollywood – get this: Because we’re stealing Indian jobs. I have not yet met an Indian that can do my job, because my job is to be not Indian. I’m not a particularly exceptional actor, I’m not wildly attractive, I’m not even that skilled, I don’t dance or sing. I’m a single-threat: I’m just white. Who’s job do I steal?

Make up your minds, which do you despise: Racism or foreigners?

Their current claim is against Hazel Crowney because they claim she’s dancing in a provocative way that Indian girls wouldn’t, and tugging at the threads of Indian moral fibre. It’s clear that they know this already, but you might not: Indian movies don’t show sexy white girls flouncing about because Indian girls won’t do it, they show foreigners because that’s what Indians like to watch. The women watch it and think: “Ugh, sluts” and the men pitch pants tents – behaviour neither gender like to associate with good Indian girls.

Indian girls will do a multitude of things to get their beautiful, sensual bodies onto the big screen – and dancing provocatively definitely comes under that broad and intentionally ambiguous banner. Rakhi Sawant started the protest, but clearly her interests aren’t value-based:

Hazel Crowney: They're calling for her head

Rakhi Sawant: Principled instigator

Tell me again – which Indian values were they protecting?

The Shiv Sena recently charged onto the set of a shoot for the film ‘Crooked’, and demanded to see employment visas from the 136 foreigners on the shoot. I know every Bollywood Gora that has a visa – and there ain’t 136 of us. Bollywood runs on making its scenes exotic and foreign with cheap tourist labour extras. It can’t run without them.

These riots will serve to send more films overseas to shoot to avoid them, taking money right out of the pockets of all Mumbaikars who drive and light and serve chai and food to those who paint sets and clothe Bollywood. Their campaign would be short-sighted and flawed, if it were legitimately aimed at improving the lives of Marathis – but it isn’t, it’s aimed at getting publicity – and it’s working.

I love this country – but sometimes it gives me the shits (pun intended).

Perhaps it is me.

Perhaps my desire to become a part of the Indian fabric is mislaid. I had always seen India’s best values were the welcoming and inclusive nature of the people, how peaceful they are. I’d always felt that the laid-back, near-enough’s good enough, slow life seemed more ecological than ours – far more interested in things like a good laugh, an engaging (and intrusive) conversation or even silent company. They’ll stare, they’ll care, they’ll help even if they can’t.

This country holds the greatest potential of all on this earth. With some tweaks to turn the knowledge based education system to teach skills, a good corruption enema and a bit of cultural progression (in terms of womens rights and that stuff) – it will be the next superpower. Indians almost always speak more languages than you do, speak English better than you do, they wrap their agile brains around new languages, new concepts and new ideas with envy-inspiring speed, they have open hearts and kind minds, and there are a billion of them.

That was what I thought India was about, generosity, hospitality and intelligence – but apparently these guys are the last word on what’s Indian and according to them it’s all about the violence, stupidity and racism.

Perhaps it’s time for me to move on.

Technorati Tags: Bollywood, foreign, hindu, India, maharashtra navnirman sena, mns, politics, racism, religion, shiv sena, thackeray, white actors

A UTV channel in India called Bindass recently released an advertising campaign which appears to indicate that being an atheist is on par with not being serious about one’s career, doing drugs and being a slut.

What does being Bindass mean to you?

http://www.bindass.com/post/utv-bindass-what-i-am/

Thanks to Manushka for the heads up on this issue:

Manushka: Intelligent eye-candy to stop traffic.

She’s a very dear friend who is serious about her career(s), very chaste and abhors drugs. She’s also an avowed atheist – she doesn’t even believe in a single god. She also shared with me a rather interesting article which showed research has linked IQ with Liberalism, Atheism and sexual exclusivity in men (not women). Nicely done!

The point of the campaign appears to be: “Just because I watch this channel doesn’t mean that I’m a reprobate.”

The channel has named itself ‘Bindass’ after the Hindi word for ‘reckless abandon’ or ‘without restraint’

I don’t see anything wrong with ‘doing’ drugs. It’s a personal choice that can affect your life, so like driving cars, drinking booze, masturbation and surfing, they should be approached with caution and moderation proportional to the danger. Some things, like drugs, cars and booze, are dangerous. Others just sap your energy and time.

Alcohol sends many people to their grave, marijuana has never killed anyone in recorded history.

And before you spurt out some apocryphal anecdote about some stoned guy who thought he was a thought and punched a cloud and then ended up dying because he tried to eat a Cadillac, I will reiterate. Marijuana has never killed anyone, but being a complete moron has been killing things forever. Drugs aren’t bad.

Making drugs illegal is reckless.

It looks like the mountains in Afghanistan! (click for stats

Making plants illegal is absurd, it makes people you would call ‘farmers’ become what we call ‘criminals’ and hands a ready income to terrorism and organised crime.

That’s what funds the Taliban. Look at the pretty picture I made to demonstrate my point (diligent, aren’t I?).

In 2000, the Taliban banned opium production, which caused that downy bit in the middle of the graph. They were really successful, the downy bit indicates a drop in production from 3000 tonnes to a measly 135.

With no supply, heroin prices went uppy (there is no graph for that), and junkies started going clean. This was around September sometime…

Then some Saudis crashed some Americans into two of the twin towers causing three of them to fall down (what did happen to building 7?) and the world fell on our heads, and everyone blamed the Afghans (with bombs), destroyed their economy, and the Taliban decided that poppy production wasn’t so haram (evil) and as of 2008, it was back up climbing over 7000 tonnes, helping them buy AK-47′s and food and Korans.

Ponder this: Our troops are crawling all over Afghanistan looking for imaginary terrorists hiding in imaginary caves, but are walking straight past real poppy fields.

Poppies are easy to find. Unlike imaginary terrorists, poppies grow outdoors, in the sun, and take up 157,000 of Afghanistan’s hectares, two thirds of them in the Hilmand region alone according UNDOC (PDF). If we burned their funding, the Taliban would suddenly become very hungry and their guns would become very empty, our streets very junkie-less, and our jails quite empty. After all, they produce 93% of the world’s opium (stats), it’s their biggest export (CIA Factbook).

We could kill the war on drugs and the war on terror with a couple of humvees and a flamethrower, but we don’t. Why is that?

Yesterday India’s Border Security Force captured 15kgs of heroin crossing the border from Pakistan. Now it’s on my doorstep.

Drugs aren’t bad. Making them bad is bad. Moving on.

Though I kinda wish you did!

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sleeping around, either. Well, provided you’re well informed, aren’t hurting anyone, and have studied sexual health in school.

The Bonobo are a relative of the chimpanzee, and where chimps use violence to maintain social order, the bonobo use sex.

They use sex as a greeting, for conflict resolution, to relieve boredom and as a method of maintaining a social hierarchy. They are matriarchal and bisexual, the girls growl out and the boys engage in “penis fencing” (no joke).

And they're great photographers.

When a massive patch of food is found that would cause ordinary chimps to become violent and greedy, the bonobo have a crazy orgy and then feast. They’re also freakishly intelligent, far surpassing their dullard chimp cousins. Be more Bonobo.

India refuses to teach sex education in schools. Many government schooled Indian adolescents still aren’t clear on how babies are made and diseases are transmitted.

A Indian politician shared his view on why India refuses to teach sex ed:

“Europe needs sex education because of its declining population rates.” Nawab Malik NCP MLA (Thanks IndiaUncut!)

You are as wise as you are eloquent Mr Malik. Please don’t deport me for calling your stance reckless.

The Mumbai Mirror’s ‘Ask the Sexpert’ column is always a fascinating read:

My girlfriend swallowed my semen while we were engaging in oral sex. Her menstrual cycles are perfectly normal. However, I was worried and surfed the internet and found information there  that suggested that swallowing semen leads to  cancer. Is this true?

Oral sex with swallowing of the semen is a known and common behaviour among many couples.There are no side effects and it does not cause cancer or any other infections. However, it is illegal in our country.

Ahhh… India. Where sex education and oral sex are illegal.

Ahem. Moving on. I’ll skip the one on career, it’s boring.

Well, there’s no arguing that, is there? I think people don’t believe in enough gods.

I mean, most people believe in only one religion, making them mostly atheist anyway.

And really, what are the odds that out of all the religions there were to chance upon, you happened to be born in the right place to the right parents at the right time to be born into the right one? Believing in only one seems reckless.

India has a lovely inclusive nature to all religions, the taxi that brought me here to the airport had both a crucifix hanging from the mirror above a Lord Ganesh on the dash. I say that’s still not far enough though.

If you had all the gods on your side you’d be so busy not eating things, and not doing things that you’d only barely have enough time left for worshipping things, and there’d definitely be no time left for sinning.

You’d certainly never drink, do drugs, masturbate or have sex. Then you’d be truly religious. It’d be a great insurance policy, you’d pay a premium of never doing anything enjoyable, and as a reward, nothing terrible would ever happen to you.

While the rest of us are beset by natural disasters, pestilence, famine, plagues and holy wars, you’d be fully protected from all that suffering that seems to strike the semi-religious world at random regardless of belief.

Then, you could start worshipping your food before you sacrifice it to yourself, and then worship yourself for being you in the process. You could worship stuff that’s not there and thank it for not being there and getting in your way, and worship the stuff that is there for not being not there. You could worship your thoughts for being thunk, and your toes for not being poisonous. You could start worshiping confusion for being what you are now that you’re not not.

So perhaps we could all be a little less serious, more sexual, less violent, more reasonable, more informed and stop fence-sitting on the religion issue. Then we might learn that we’re all pretty fantastic and sexy smart people.

But we should definitely not be reckless.

Technorati Tags: Afghanistan, atheism, conspiracy, drugs, global warming, logic, politics, rationality, religion, sex