Dear Sis: Don’t change men.

August 25, 2010 in Dear Sis by

Dear Sis,

It is not just a phase...

Don’t try to change men.

Selecting a man is like buying a house; you shouldn’t buy a shit-heap and expect you can turn it into a mansion.

Too many women marry alcoholics and are hurt when they end up with a drunk for a husband. Many mistresses are surprised when their lover cheats on them.

You can teach a man to moisturize and buy him a nice shirt, but don’t measure your value as a woman on your ability to transform a man.

If you fall in love with a basket-case stoner, then you’d better start smoking dope or get a good therapist. Look at it logically:

He smokes weed, he likes it, and that shapes who he is as a person. He probably plays a lot of Xbox and makes strange culinary concoctions that involve lots of bread and not much cooking, some of them are probably quite tasty. He has a fairly un-ambitious career, and he really enjoys sex.

Option A: You change him. Your grace and persuasive charm transform him into a valuable member of society who now sources his concoctions from cookbooks and has a job and shaves and doesn’t leave the washing in the machine.

But he’s now a different person, and there is a very real possibility that as a new person with a new hairstyle and a fancy tie, he also will be on the lookout for a new woman. Even if he isn’t, new women are on the lookout for him – and now he’s places that they might find him (i.e. Not sitting on your couch)

I don't have this guy's permission to use this photo, but when your photo comes up in an image search of 'stoner' has 100 pics of Casey Stoner and this guy?

I don't have this guy's permission to use his photo, but if you battle bike racer Casey Stoner out of search rankings in google images, you don't got no expectation of privacy. Besides, what's he going to do, sue me or smoke a bowl and talk about it?

Option B (this one is far more common): You nag him endlessly, and although he loves you and values your opinion, and although he knows he should really empty the dishwasher once in a while, he resents you and inwardly recoils at the sound of your voice. If he weren’t so pathetic, he’d probably dump you, because you’re actually being quite rude.

You met a guy and fell in love with him for what he wasn’t – you fell in love with his potential. As far as he’s concerned, you fell in love with someone else.

If you deserve to be with someone who is faithful, sober occasionally, or not a career criminal, then get a man who already is that way, then tweak him.



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