I saw a job on Gumtree: Nice people for nice pub W3
So I applied:
Hello, I hear you’re looking for nice people to work in your nice pub. I’m relatively nice. I smile a lot, I don’t tell racist jokes, and haven’t ever tortured an animal.
Exactly how nice is this pub, and how nice must I be to work there?
I used to own an ant farm, but I don’t think that amounts to ‘torture’. One of them died from unknown causes (who ever really knows why ants die?) so I freed them.
I suspect their cushy ant-farm life didn’t prepare them from the harsh realities of lawn life. Most of them died within minutes of their release in the updraft of a lawn-mower (okay so it’s more apparent why those ants died).
I will understand if after reading that story you come to view me as ‘not nice’ and that causes you to reject my application.
My psychiatrist told me I was ‘unhinged’ and ‘evil’ to the ants but I think he was just disappointed because I hadn’t become a psychiatrist like him. He said ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and disowned me, then continued with the mowing.
I now owe him for a hefty therapy bill that his secretary sent me. He’s back-dated it from when I was 2 years of age. I calculate that I’ll need to work for you 429 hours a week for the next eighty-two years to pay off his bill, so you can understand why I’m eager to get started right away.
He wanted to start charging from the day I was born, but I pointed out that I wasn’t capable of grasping the complexity of cognitive dissonance because as a baby all I did was cry, vomit up Prozac and soil myself.
He agreed, and pointed out that I haven’t changed much since then.
I will need one day of holiday per year to visit my mother on her birthday. She was committed to a mental institution last year for wearing too much beige.
If you have any questions regarding my application, please feel free to e-mail me on the above address.
Thank you for your response to my advertisement for barstaff. I am sorry that your application has been unsuccessful on this occasion. Bearing in mind the effort you put into the application I feel it is only fair that I offer you some feedback.
Whilst you clearly have many of the attributes we are looking for, sadly your admission that you are unprepared to tell racist jokes let you down. This is one of the key attributes we are looking for is the ability to tell racist jokes- but only in a “nice manner”. The caring face of racism if you will.
To conclude then, I am afraid I have offered the position to a gentleman whose previous job at The Fridge in Brixton has clearly left him embittered and twisted.
Good luck and kind regards,